Thursday, October 11, 2012

why i have been away

For many weeks now I have been battling a low grade constant sadness. Unable to fully name it I have been snapping at my child followed by quick apologies. I could not tell if I was avoiding my wife or she was avoiding me I did not give it enough thought to repair the rift. She probably thought it was just another of my blue funks that would pass once I started pushing pigment again.

I knew this was different. I was blaming it on overly busy schedule and the way to many funerals I have had to attend of late. Each for an acquaintance that was younger than I. Then I thought it was that my wife's and my car broke down in the same week followed by a quick need for a plumbing repair. No that could not be it those are just the normal low notes of my life the deep harmony to balance the joy. 
It was not until this morning as I drove my wife to work in my daughter's rickety old but drivable van, and shortly after I popped a James McMurtry casset tape in I knew what it was. It was the corn. I said it aloud, "Honey it's the corn look the crop is just a mere shadow of itself".
"Yes. I know."

My little town is surrounded by fields of corn it colors all my comings and goings from spring to the first snow. Something was wrong this year. Normally in September the corn is 'as high as an elephant's eye' but now it was shorter than me and it droops in an uninspired shade of yellow ocher looking like it should have been put on a suicide watch.

The farmers may only harvest half of what they normally would, there will be no corn mazes for Halloween, or bundles of stately corn stalks anchored by pumpkins on my porch.  It was the edge of the Midwest drought that hit us. It was not completely devastating but seriously harmful that made the crop, the environment and my heart just plain miserable.

Soon what did grow will all be harvested and only the stalk stumps will remain and I will lose this feeling.
But now that I know why I am having this small sorrow I can offer it up.


A Secular Franciscan said...

I hope you come out of it soon - whatever the cause. I will keep you in my prayers.

Alan Capasso said...

the reason I left the city was that being surrounded by concrete was too depressing. I just discovered that Drought stricken fields has the same emotional impact on me as a lot of concrete.