Drive Safe

From the Didn’t See This One Coming bureau: Medical doctors and particle physicists have both issued warnings this week on the imminent danger of Santa Claus’ driving habits.

In a startling new report – out of Paris, for some reason – researchers are warning that Santa Claus annual round-the-world sleigh ride represents a public menace. Owing to presumed alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, doctors say Santa’s piloting cannot be trusted. One-upping the medical guys, a group of physicists further argues that Santa would have to travel an alarming 650 miles per second to make all his deliveries and would need to deploy ion-shield deflectors to avoid instant vaporization, (hey those elves are clever enough to make one).

The report appears to be tongue-in-cheek, related to a new book on sleep deprivation, but it still underlines the general creepiness of the whole Santa Claus thing. Dealing with drunk, dangerous hippies in your living room at 2 a.m. – wasn’t that supposed to end in college?